The Ultimate Freedom: Do You Know What It is?

I travelled to Eastern Europe in September of 2005 as part of a Global Volunteer Program, and spent two weeks holding and caring for babies at a Romanian orphanage. I was placed in charge of eight infants, newborn through nine months of age. In service to the babies, I maintained a state of joyous gratitude for eight hours a day over a two-week period, regardless of whether I was changing a diaper, feeding, or playing. Knowing my purpose in each moment was a gift beyond measure.

After returning home to the U.S., however, I found myself in a deep depression. Without the babies, I no longer experienced life as a series of joyous, grateful, purposeful moments. I thought perhaps I needed to return to Romania in order to recapture the experience. I decided, instead, to attend the M.A. Program in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica (USM).

During the second year of the program, while writing Conversations with Jerry and Other People I Thought Were Dead, I effortlessly experienced the same joyous gratitude and dedication to the task at hand. I was in an inspired state for hours on end, day in and day out for almost a year as I wrote the book. Knowing my purpose in each moment was, once again, a gift beyond measure.

When the book was complete, however, I found myself in a deep depression. Without the book, I no longer experienced my days as a series of joyous, grateful, purposeful moments. I thought perhaps I needed to write another book in order to recapture the experience. I decided, instead, to volunteer on USM’s Prison Project Team and assist in delivering the Freedom to Choose Workshop to women inmates at Valley State Prison for Women (VSPW), one of the largest maximum-security prisons in the world.(Watch a 22-minute Cannes Film Festival award-winning documentary about the Prison Project)

During my participation in Prison Projects #10 and #11, devoted to being of service to the women inmates, I once again experienced this intense state of joyous gratitude as a moment-by-moment purposeful way of being.Each time the program ended, however, I experienced a sense of loss and some depression.

I stated my intention for Prison Project #12 as, “Thy will be done.” It was during this third experience that I effortlessly experienced a profound inner transformation. It was only because I didn't feel a sense of loss or depression when the program ended that I stopped to reflect on what had shifted.

First, I realized that an unconscious judgment had gracefully fallen away. It was the judgment that any one moment is more important than another. As I reflected further, it dawned on me that only by holding this judgment could I have rushed through some moments in order to get to others. The moments I judged as “important," were deserving of my full attention, devotion and gratitude. The moments I judged as "unimportant" were not. I was amazed at how many moments I had allowed to go by without embracing them in gratitude: driving to an "important" meeting, or eating food so I could get on with the more "important" business at hand . . .

Since adopting the belief that every moment is as important as another, time is no longer flying by. Each moment is worthy of my authentic presence and full appreciation. My pace is slow and deliberate. I haven't found the need to rush here or there. I am here, now, in this moment, feeling the tips of my fingers on the keyboard, feeling the breath of life as it moves through my body, feeling my tush connecting with the chair . . . and joyous gratitude permeates it all. It's a walking meditation. My purpose in each moment is to bring forward the essence of who I am: love, acceptance, joy, compassion, gratitude, peace, and wisdom, whether I am coaching a client, driving the car, speaking to a group, or making my bed. I am no longer in service to babies, books, or women inmates. I am in service to Life, now . . . now . . . now . . . with whomever or whatever is present. It’s an awesome way to live. I no longer have to wait for the right circumstance to experience intense dedication in service to the moment. I now bring my intense dedication to each moment. This is what I’ve learned from the Prison Project. What a gift. What a blessing. What freedom. I guess that’s why it’s called the "Freedom to Choose" Workshop! My choice in each moment has never been clearer.

The ultimate freedom is the freedom to choose our response in each moment. Will we rush through it, hardly noticing it on our way to a moment we think will satisfy us, or will we choose to contribute our satisfaction, our authenticity, and our wholeness to this moment, regardless of circumstance?

I am using three tools in service to contributing my wholeness to each moment. First and foremost, I am releasing judgment—the source of all unnecessary suffering—and practicing compassionate self-forgiveness. The moment I become aware that I've placed a judgment on myself, on another, or on a situation, I remind myself that I don't know what anyone is here to learn or how they will best learn it. So, how can I judge? I forgive myself for pretending I know more than I do. It's like a do-over in a friendly ball game, when you hit the ball in a direction you didn't intend. When I become aware that I've judged—thinking I know more than I do—I compassionately forgive myself. It's like calling back the judgment. I learned this process at USM and it’s an integral part of how I live and what I teach as a soul-centered coach. This process happens so quickly now that I simply notice the judgment and it almost effortlessly dissolves. I suppose it’s because I’m no longer vested in being right . . . about anything.

Second, I am present in an ongoing way to Victor Frankl’s wisdom that we are all free to choose our response in any given moment. Victor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist who chronicles his experiences as a concentration camp inmate in his best-selling book. Man's Search for Meaning, describes how he found meaning and a reason for living in the most challenging of circumstances: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." This is the ultimate freedom. If Victor Frankl could choose love and compassion in a concentration camp, surely I can do it in the blessed environment that is my life. 

Third, I practice a breathing technique when I feel myself start to move away from joy and into upset. I call it “joyous breath." I start by smiling from ear to ear. I let my facial expression lead the way, trusting that my emotions will follow. Next, I breathe in through my nose as I allow my belly to fully expand, smiling all the while. As I breathe out through my still-smiling, pursed lips, I pull my belly-button in toward the center of my belly. Try it! If you're like me, you'll find it to be transforming. After a few breaths, you can't help but feel good.

As an example, I was shopping at Marshall’s the other day. I walked to the checkout line to pay for two items. There were at least fifteen people ahead of me, and only two cashiers. “Oh, ____! This is going to take forever!” I thought. I felt myself starting to move into irritation and frustration. I stopped. I realized that, in truth, I didn't know how long it was going to take. I released the judgments that it would take forever, that they "should" have more cashiers, and that I had more important things to do with my time. I remembered Victor Frankl and thought, "I have the freedom to choose my response, right here and now." I smiled and began to breathe. Three more cashiers were added before I’d completed the third breath. I was out of the store in less than five minutes. When I got home and was filing the receipt, I noticed that the cashier had only charged me for one of the two items. Spirit is The Master Choreographer, Loving and Beneficent, with a delightful sense of humor.

So, here's the recipe. In moments when you're not experiencing joy (your authentic nature), look at the judgment(s) you've placed . . . on yourself, on another, or on a situation. Remember: judgments are the cause of all unnecessary suffering. Remind yourself that you don't know what circumstance(s) will best serve someone in terms of their spiritual growth or conscious evolution. Acknowledge and release the judgment(s). Smile, breathe, and remember . . . you are free to choose your response in every moment. If you're unhappy with what you've chosen, choose again. The freedom to choose your own response is something no one can take from you. It's the ultimate freedom. Choose wisely.

Irene Kendig, M.A., is a speaker, self-acceptance coach and author of Conversations with Jerry and Other People I Thought Were Dead. Sign up for a free 30-minute self-acceptance coaching session with Irene.